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Day One: My Roommate Is An Asshole
By Sunshine Laughter

Alright, hello again. You're probably wondering why I'm whispering here, and why it's so dark. That's because it's night, and everyone is in bed. Well, except for me. Let me see if I can get this thing to work. Let's see. AHH! Shhh.... shhhh.... OK, I can't see right now, so... damn, that's bright.

I'm out on the big beanbag thing next to the couch in the main room, here, I'll try to shine the flashlight on it. I don't know what this is going to look like to you on your holoscreen, but hopefully you can see something. That's me, hey, my vision's coming back, good. I like my vision, it let's me see stuff. That's the beanbag thing - I don't think its actually filled with beans, though. Then again, with all the real food here, who the hell knows. Heh.

That would be a hell of a thing, wouldn't it? Maybe I'm sitting on a fortune in beans, right now. Can you imagine what this many beans, real beans, would sell for on the Blue Market? I could be set for life. Which, if what the government science geeks say is true, would be about two an'a half years, maybe three. Then Equestria gobbles up the earth. Yum yum! Om nom nom! Hee hee hee!

This is almost fun. I feel like I am livingroom camping. I kind of am, actually, because I don't feel like going back in there. There, here, I'll shine my light on it. Stick my tongue out. BLEAHHHH! Hey, here, I'll shine it on my tongue. BLEAHHH!!!! hee heh heh hee... That's for my dipshit roommate, Glow-Ree-UGH.

Gloria is kind of a jerk. Or else she's really angry or something. I don't know what her deal is. Excuse me a moment, this... this bag is kind of sagging.... ah... now I'm on the floor! How is this supposed to work, anyway? I'll put the light on the counter here and.... let's see if I can get this bag in some kind of shape. Let's see, it's kind of bulky. Noisy little thing, Jesus. Ok. There. I'm going to try to make a soft landing here, steady, ahhh. There. I'm down, no... man, that is scrunchy stuff in there.

Alright, sorry. I've never tried one of these before and it looked pretty cool, you know? I'll get the light... there. Ok, so, over there... that is my room. Contents: one jerk.

I tried to be nice, I really did. They showed me in right after dinner - oh, I have to tell you about dinner, later - and it was like 'Hello' and 'Hi' and 'My name is Sunshine, hi' and she was like 'Gloria. Hey.' and it seemed cool until Winterflake left us and then it was all 'This is my stuff, don't fuck with it.' And I was like 'Whaaa?'

After that it kinda went downhill. Gloria deus ex machina in extremis or whatever decided that she needed my side of the room because of some crap and we had to switch sides. Then, after that, she decided that the new side, my old side, wasn't 'defensible enough' or some shit and we had to switch back. I swear she is bitch queen of the Bitchlands of Crazytown or something.

Then she just sat and glared at me. I went to go get ready for bed, and when I came back, she just kept sitting there, with all her stuff wrapped around her, staring at me. Just staring, like she was waiting for me to axe-murder her or something. For her stuff.

I couldn't sleep with that. I mean, could you? No way! So I decided I'd come out here. It's cool, apparently, as long as I don't make too much noise, and that's why I'm whispering right now. I wish I'd brought my blanket. I don't want to go back in there to get it though. Damn. And I was feeling so happy after dinner, too.

I'll tell you about dinner, then.

We had a another holoprogram after the 'Parts of the Body' thing or whatever it was, it was kind of an introduction to Equestria. Sort of like one of those specials you see on it, but lots more stuff. There's this weird forest where everything works like it does on Earth, or at least how Earth used to work, long ago. It's dangerous and crap. And there are other things in Equestria besides ponies. Dragons, if you can believe it, and these troll-like dog things and big pony-lion-I don't know what creatures called Griffiths or something. Basically, it's a zoo, only with real live animals, and not just robots and holograms.

I guess they aren't exactly animals, either - they are the people there. All the people in Equestria are, like animals. Intelligent animals. It's actually pretty cool. I hadn't thought about that in that way. Wow. I'm gonna go live in a land of talking animals. I'm gonna BE a talking animal. Wow. Double wow. I guess that really hadn't completely sunk in yet.

Anyways, dinner. So I finally met up with Daniel again - he's that guy I met from lunch, if you remember - and we decided to eat together again. It's kind of weird. The ponies are like total friends with each other the minute they come out of that room, right, but all us skin apes, we barely talk to each other. I mean, some people are here with their friends or family or whatever, but they kind of stick to themselves. For us lone types, it's just habit not to talk to anyone. You know what it's like.

So, Dan and I pretty much just know us. And Samantha and Honeydrizzle, I guess. But they went to sit with the ponies at the low table, and so we didn't continue talking after the show. Maybe I made a bad impression or something. I have to admire Sam's guts though. She and Honeydrizzle just hit it off, and so she has an 'in' at the pony table. I wish she would have asked me to join them or something. I feel left out.

I mean I watched two whole holos with both of them. Least they could do is invite me to the darn pony table. I admit I kind of talked through the cartoon, but come on, CARTOON! What do they think we are, babies? Maybe that was it. Maybe you have to like stupid cartoons to sit at the pony table. It's a royal requirement or something. I wanted to sit at the pony table. Sulk. I'm sulking here. Sulk. Sulk.

Ah! Dinner. So Danny boy and I are sitting at the table, right, and I'm grumbling about not being invited to sit at the pony table and I stick this stuff in my mouth and WOW! I am telling you, I thought lunch was kick-ass, but I was kinda wrong, because this was hypernuclear!

Dinner was this pastry thing. They served it is squares, I don't know what it was called anymore, but it had a crust like you'd find on a pie, right? Only good. Better than good, because it was made of all real stuff again. It was flaky and tender and I just couldn't believe how yummy it was. Inside the crust was this vegetable stuff, all spicy and super tasty, and it had it's own gravy stuff that came out when I cut into it.

Everything is vegetables and fruit and grains, they don't even do pretend meat here. Ponies don't eat meat, and neither do we, We Who Salute You, We Who Are About To Pony! Hee hee!

So this vegetable pie or whatever was just total yum, and I've never had anything like it before in my life. Not even when my folks took me out for fancy on my birthday. And the pie just kept on coming, because they also gave us a slice of... you guessed it, PIE! It was like an all-pie dinner!

The other pie was fruit. Peaches, they said. Alright you have to hear this; I am no longer in the service of Lord Apple. I am sad to say that my dark fruity lord does not measure up. He just can't compete against Lady Peach Pie. I am totally lesbians for Peach Pie. I am not kidding here. If peach pie was another girl, I would change teams like that. I would be down on her lickity-split. Hee hee hee hah heh heh....

Sorry. Like funny and stuff. Anyway, peach pie is the best THE BEST. I worship at the sacred altar of peach pie. Drippy, sweet goodness, chewy soft little golden pillows of peach, and that crust. I thought the crust on the vegetable thing was good. No. When peaches are involved, everything bows in supplication.

Let me put it this way; if this is actually how I get to spend the rest of my life eating, then I don't care what they turn me into. Make me into one of those troll-dog things, I don't care. Just keep the pies coming and we're good. That is how much I liked my first REAL! peach pie. It's all REAAAALLLLL!!!!! Oooh.

Oh! I almost forgot! We got iced tea to drink. Ok, before you go Ewwww... you gotta know that's real too. Apparently there really is a plant or something that tea comes from. And... it's good. It's really, really good, especially with peach pie. It's my new favorite drink. Seriously.

So, I'm learning to like food, it seems. I hope it all still tastes as good once I'm eating it with a pony mouth and a pony tongue. The ponies seem to have different tastes, so I'm a little worried. They eat pies and they seem to like them and all, but they also eat hay. They eat grass and grassy.... stuff that's green. Uncooked. They just chow down on leaves and stems and stuff. I don't get it, but they seem to love it.

The weird part is, I saw this newfoal, just converted today, right, at the short table. And they were making a fuss over feeding the girl.... ma... mare. That's the word. Mare. Making a fuss over this mare eating pony food for the first time for dinner, and she was like 'Um, I'm not sure about this' and they were all 'Go on, your mouth is going to love you forever' and then she ate some of that hay stuff and it was like the sun had come out from behind the smog and danced for her.

She was this big, wide smile, and her eyes got all big and round and she was going down on that plate like it was her boyfriend or something. I tried a stem of it, later, and it tastes like ass. It tasted like packaging. Like chewing down on something you wrap stuff in. So that's why I am worried a little. Then again, if they still like pie, then - as far as I am concerned - it's all golden.

Ah... hang on, alright? I kinda have to use the little pony's room again. Downside of tea becoming my new favorite beverage. I have to pee like, all the time. It's insane. But worth it. I'll be back after I... let's see, where's the... OK, here it...

"Well, hello, there!

My name is Bob and this is my wife Sally. These are my kids, Billy and Susan. Today, I got fired, and you know what? I'm not worried in the slightest! Nope! How about you kids, are you worried? My wife sure isn't worried, are you honey?"

"Nope, I'm not worried in the least, Bob!"

"You know why we're not worried? Because there is a better job just waiting for me. I don't know what it is yet, but I have been assured by the best experts the world has to offer that I will like it. In fact, I'll love it better than anything I've ever done before. And I'll be able to provide for my family better than I ever could before."

"I can't wait Bob!"

"Nether can we! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"That's because we're all going to Equestria. Why, that's where we're headed right now, right there, at the Conversion Bureau. There are Conversion Bureaus all over, and there is one near you right now. The Worldgovernment has even provided a settler's grubstake to every qualified twoper who was employed at any time within the past year. We're not just going to Equestria, we're going in style!"


"That's right kids, because the Worldgovernment wants to encourage the best, and the brightest, to get ponified as soon as possible. If humanity is to make a showing in the new world, don't we all want our first step to be our best foot forward?"

Equestria. It's Just A Cup Away.

Brought to you by the Conversion Bureau Authority and the Ministry of Propaganda and Infotainment. This message has been approved by the World Government Authority.

Oh, hey. I'm back, and... I'm kind of still in the bathroom. This here is Millicent. Cool name, by the way. She was converted yesterday, before I arrived, and she's kind of got a problem. Her roommate's a fucktard too.

Oh, fuck, sorry! Oh, sorry again. Shit. I mean... uh.... muffins. Yeah, sorry. Ponies don't like swearing. I guess it represents some kind of threat or anger thing. Listen, I'll try to stick with 'Muffins' for now, OK? I don't mean anything with all of that... it's just what I got used to at home, you know?

"I did too, Sunshine. Everypony talked like that back in the favela. But now... it's weird. It's like I told you. When I hear words like that, it's kind of like being hit. I sort of feel like I need to duck or something. I don't mean to be a problem."

You're not a problem, Millie. It's me. I guess I need to learn new habits if I'm going to be a pony, huh? So, folks, I guess this is going to be an increasingly swearing-free info from now on. Millie and me have kind of become friends.

"I hope they will let us be roommates, Sunshine. I'd really like that."

Me too, Millie. Millicent came her with her... girlfriend, was it?

"Yes. We were best friends and... a little more. But she became really angry at me after I was converted. I guess it's the swearing thing. And the other stuff too. I guess it's all my fault."

No, no I don't think it is. Seriously. We talked about this.

See, Millie and her friend... ex-friend... used to be badasses in the favs... sorry... they were real.... mothermuffins... heh! I kind of like that! Ok, so they were real mothermuffins in the favela, and they got by pretty all right, for favela life. But Millie gets her pony on and suddenly it's uncivil war in their room. Millie wants to be all... pony... and her ex wants to keep on being tough and... those two things, as you have seen, don't go together.

I mentioned a while ago... I don't remember, maybe at lunch or something... that I had my reasons for being OK with becoming a pony. I'll tell you one of those now. See, my family, they're cool and everything, but... they can also be a little... rough around the edges? And on the holos, they show families, how they're supposed to be and everything. And... also, well...

Ok, remember how I had that big issue with the cartoon? I like... I like cartoons. Ok, I said it.

"Oh! I like cartoons too! Now, I mean. I didn't before, but now, I think they're really fun!"

Hee hee! I guess, I guess we can watch cartoons together then!

"I'd like that!"

Look at that smile! I hope I'll smile like that after I become a pony. Anyway, in the cartoons I.... like... everyone is very... sweet... to each other. I want that. I want that a lot. A... lot.

That's what I see in Equestria, and what I see in being a pony. I want to be like that. Even if it means changing my species.

"You are like that. I think you are kind of a pony already."

What? Don't be silly, Milly. Hee hee hee....

"Hee hee hee hee...  Seriously though. I mean, you didn't leave. I was hiding in here, feeling bad. When you saw me crying, you didn't go away. You stayed with me. You're here now, aren't you? Even though it's late?"

Come on, Millicent. Anybody would do that. You were crying in a bathroom for fuuu.....muffin's sake. Who wouldn't stop and help?

"The two humans that came in before you."

You're kidding. You're not kidding. You have got to be kidding me. Unbefu...muffin-lievable. You're telling me that two people, two human beings, came into this bathroom and heard you crying and...


... I don't know what to say. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry Milly. I guess... I guess we suck. Sorry about that. Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad I came in here, because I got to meet you. So, I guess things work out.

"I... I don't know what to do now."

"Well I sure don't want to go back to my room. I don't want to spend the night in this bathroom, either. Oh... DUH. Come on. I have the perfect answer. Uh, oh, jeez... my leg fell asleep. Ouch. Damn. Sorry. Is 'damn' OK? Can I get away with that one? Ah, Thanks. Ow, Ow, Ow.... there. I just need to get the feeling back first.

"That doesn't happen for me. I used to get leg cramps all the time sitting down. But it doesn't happen now, even when I fold my legs under me. Once you're converted, I'm sure it will be the same for you."

I hope so. Hey, I just realized, I haven't been worrying about whether this thing can pick up anyone's voice but mine. I hope that's the case, because paraphrasing was getting old. I... I guess I'll just assume it can pick up everything around me. Sorry, just worrying about this holocorder thing. Anyway, my leg's good enough now.

Let's go find a comfortable place on the couch or something, out in the main area. We can sleep there until tomorrow, and then, if you want, we can go demand a room together. Gloria and what's her face can room together - they're made for each other, and we can have some peace rooming with each other. If that's still OK with you?

"Yes. I meant it. I'd like to have you. For a room mate. I'd like to have you for a roommate."

Hee. Oh... Kay... then. That's settled. Here, let me get the flashlight working again, it's going to be dark once we get out of this bathroom. Here we go.

That's kind of neat. Your sound. The sound of your hooves. I never really listened to what that sounded like until now. I like the sound of hooves. It's kind of got a beat, kinda catchy. Ta-tromp ta-tromp, ta-tromp. Was it hard to walk, after you were converted?

"Not really. I was a little unsteady at first, but then the nurse told me something that just clicked and I found it easy to walk."

Care to share that with us? I bet a lot of people watching would really benefit from that. Providing anyone is even watching this at all, of course. I'm doing this pretty late. But then, I guess they'll probably edit all of this once the live feeds are done anyway. So, what's the great secret of walking, Millicent Pony?

"Parvati, she's the nurse practitioner here - she's really nice Sunshine, I think you'd really like her - she told me just to think that I was walking on my toes and fingers. That's it. Just pretend I was walking on my toes and fingers, like a really strong baby. And it worked. Just like that."

Huh. Well that sounds easy. I'll remember that, when my time comes. So there you have it everybody! Paradotty's secret of the...

"Paravati. It's a name from India I think. Paravati. She's nice."

Pair-rah-vah-tee, got it. Paravati's secret... um... secret of how to walk as a pony, and you heard it here first on... the Sunshine Report! With special guest reporter, Millicent! YAAAAYYYY!


Sorry, sorry, we'll be quiet, sorry, my bad... muffin... hee hee... I kind of get carried away sometimes. I'm sorry Millicent. It's way past my sleepy-bye time and I kind of get goofy when I get tired. Well, that's a lie. I'm always goofy. Sorry about that.

"Hee hee... but I do feel bad we woke her up."

Yeah. Hey, maybe she was one of the hyuu-monz that ignored you in the bathroom. Maybe she deserved to be disturbed!

"Sunshine! That's mean!"

Alright... alright. I guess it kinda was. Hey, here, you want the couch or the beanbag thingie? Beanbag? I'd be careful with that thing, it's a monster! A real killer that... oh. Well. I guess for a pony it works really well. Damn. Muffin. I mean. Muffin. That looks pretty comfortable when you use it with the legs and the folding and everything. I'll take the couch.

"You can say 'damn'. I said that you could."

I know, it's just that, well, I don't like to see you jerk and hide your head like that. Wait, you didn't jerk. Can I try something? Damn. Dammy damn damn dammit. Huh. You aren't reacting at all, are you? What's up with...

"When you say it, you aren't saying it mean. You just say it. It isn't anger or an attack with you. The way you say it, even I can say it and not feel bad. Damn! See! It's funny!"

Wow. I'm teaching a pony how to swear. The corrupting influence of humanity is beyond imagination. I sincerely apologize for that. I feel like I just killed Bambi or something. Damn. I mean Muffin. Gah!

"No, it's alright. I guess it's the emotion we ponies react to. I wondered about that. My... old friend... she got mad at me for not being able to handle her swearing all the time. But I don't think it was the words at all. It was what was in her heart. It was how she said the words that made me... 'jerk' as you call it. That's what's changed in me. Huh. Or part of it. I don't deal well with... with..."

'Evil intent' is the words you're trying for there, I think. Man, I am cold. I need a blanket. 'Scuse me. I'm gonna go grab my blanket from my old room. Fuuuu.... Muffin Gloria. It's my blanket. I'll see if I can get one for you, too. I think there's a spare in there. Hang on, right back.

Let's see, Ok, blanket, over here must be HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! AUGH! WHAT THE FLYING... HEY, OW, OUCH, STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. A knife? A fucking knife?

"Listen you little pissant, you come creeping into a room in the dark with a flashlight, you get what you deserve. You should be glad you still have a liver, you little shit! What the fuck are you doing in here?"

It's my room too, Gloria, last I checked. I'm here to get some blankets, so I can sleep on the couch, and be out of your hair altogether. You can have the room all to yourself. It's what you want, right? Let me go, let me take my damn blanket, and the fucking room is all yours. Forever. Well?

"Get your shit. Get your shit and go. And don't try that again or I WILL cut you."

Right, OW! God, bitch, what is your problem? OK, OK, I'm going. Wait, I need the spare on the shelf. It's for a friend. Come on, you don't need it! You can get another spare in the morning! Thanks. I'm leaving now. Sweet dreams. Yeah? Same to you.

Damn! Slam the door why don'cha? Oh, shhh. Gotta be quiet. Sorry, sorry. Hey, I'm back, didja miss me?

"It sounded scary. What happened in there?"

Nothing much, apparently. A knife to the throat, a threat on my life, her bad breath, the usual really. Hey, I got you a blanket. Here, let me put it over you. How's that?

"It's very nice. Thank you, Sunshine. You're very kind."

The weird kind, maybe. Alright, onto the couch with me. Oh, the flashlight! I'm gonna turn it off now, is that OK? Ahh... um, oh. Hey, I'm gonna turn it on again, so I can turn the 'corder off. I'm still learning the active surface thingie and.... no. that's not it. Wait. I'll get it. By the way, I wanted to mention th...

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